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4 Comments

FEEDBACK:

You may want to rearrange the dialogue so Rin’s response follows Kanna’s self-deprecating remark, rather than the promise to make up for overreacting.

COMMENTARY:

Mild Mood Whiplash here. How did Kanna go from “noooooo I’m so embarrassed wtheck Rin 😭” on the last page to “ahahaha my bad lol 😅” this one, and so quickly at that?

Yeah, it could definitely be better. 😕 But hey, there’s room for improvement rather than stagnation, so that’s a good sign!

Speaking of which, a couple of things I’d missed last time:

Typo – “ice-cream” → “ice cream” (no hyphenation necessary)

Feedback – Maybe use fewer of the black transition panels? They take up ⅔ of the page and don’t add much to the plot as they are. Alternatively, you could replace them with a panel that shows Kanna and Rin heading off on their way, or something along those lines, as the scene fades to black. Bonus points if Dragonfriend makes an appearance (maybe after following them from a distance, for starters).

Ah you’re right! It’s only hyphenated when used as a modifier. Doesn’t help American English and British English are so similar and so different XD When reading older versions of classics, you tend to see hyphen strewn about willy nilly XD (like, even to-day was hyphenated at one time o_O No more, thankfully). I know we were taught in school we could do it either way, but I am misremembering the context.

One thing I noticed, sidetracking here, is when the Internet was first starting to be used in classrooms, we always hyphenated “on-line.” But while working as a secretary in the nursing department, I edited our accreditation paperwork for the Chair, and they had notes updating us that “online” is no longer hyphenated, so to keep an eye out for that XD

Also: good point on the time lapse bars (don’t know if that’s a technical term, it’s just what I use). Yeah, I definitely need to rethink some of these pages :3

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